Hardest Things In Life (No Pun Intended, Dude)

Sigh...

One of the hardest things about life is the constant fear/feeling that someone is always laughing at you behind your back. As long as I can remember, I've always done stuff that—though honest mistakes—have been laughed at. Friends, family, peers, everyone. It just makes it feel like things aren't even worth trying. Any time I attempt something, it seems funny to someone. Not funny in a good way, either. Like "he is such a loser."

See, the worst part of it is that I think and wonder if there is stuff out there that I don't know. What I mean is that—this is the worst part—this is a small town. People know what your friggin business is even before you do. People are just so darn nosy and can't friggin keep to themselves. I know people talk about things, and I've heard rumours and people talk about other people...about stuff that I'm sure that first party doesn't know about, or know that other people know about it. It's just the fact that people can't do anything better than talk about other people.

I mean, it could possibly be just paranoid stuff, but anything affects me. This is true even now, even if I'm at one end of the library and I hear laughter at the other end. It just so happens that at that time I'm making adjustments or doing something, and it feels like it's directed at me.

Even this past Saturday night, some of my family was at my house eating dinner. I of course didn't feel comfortable joining them and was in my room working on my paper. At one point I heard my name and a comment about something I had done (it was regarding pruning bushes in the front lawn) then a quiet whispering, then laughter. Just made me feel stupid. And this is not the first occasion this has happened.

I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but still there is an extent that I'm willing to accept criticism from anyone else—without me present, that is. (if you do it to my face I can at least attempt to justify/defend myself) (also, if I do something you don't like, if you don't tell me I won't know...duh...so no need to laugh about it with other people without consulting me first.)

And stuff like this has happened for years. High school was the worst. It's actually kind of painful to talk about some of it, but it was the same almost every day.

Unfortunately I am lacking in common sense and can't do much. Actually, not much. Actually, nothing at all. Realize of course this is NOT self pity. It's just the truth. When was the last time you saw me do....something?

I guess I'm just angry at all the jocks and 'cool' people.

So maybe I am a geek. (well I guess around here the 'geeks' are considered the 'freaks,' and the 'freaks' are just .........normal [drugs, sex-having, tribal tattoos].)

Is it too much to ask for people around here to actually have a sense of humor, or at least a sense that everyone is different and should be entitled to do things in their own way? Just b/c I do/say something a little differently doesn't mean I deserved to be laughed at.


Oh, the new Harvey Birdman season is great, but they shortened the theme song.

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I Have A "Fatty Grunt"

Things that are 'supposed to be common cultural knowledge' but you really don't know and were never taught and can't really ask other people....(oddly enough....most are toilet-related)

(email me to suggest more)

1. What do you do with those seat cover things in public restrooms? Are they flushable?

2. If you have pay for your meal to get change for a tip.....if they are already cleaning the table......do you still leave it?

3. If there is some dude in the bathroom....obviously 'flaunting it'.......do you look?

4. How well do you know someone before farts?

5. Can you guys really be that obsessed with sex?

6. Even though I forgot all other questions, should I have still went through with this?

7. Even though only the first two were legitimate? If you guys suggest more questions I'll repost.

Death From Above.....That's Good, Know What I Mean?

I received a $2 bill the other day as change......does that make me gay?

Friday Morning, 8:56 a.m.....

Knock knock knock......

MOM: Steven?

STEVEN:(Rolls Over)

MOM: When are you going to get up? I've got something I need you to do.

STEVEN: Ughhh. (Sees that alarm clock will not go off for another 4 minutes.)

MOM: Are you afraid of mice?

STEVEN: (if you can't tell, doesn't talk before morning shower.)

MOM: A mouse fell into the commode sometime during the night. I need you to come tell me if you think it will flush. I almost died this morning when I found it, and have had to get ready around it. I almost got sick when I looked at it.

STEVEN: (Gets up, walks to bathroom to see *a dead mouse in toilet*)

MOM: Do you think it'll flush? If so, you do it. I can't even look at it.

STEVEN: (Closes lid—as a precaution—and flushes.....water doesn't go all the way.......dead mouse caught in pipes.)

MOM: Oh well, we'll take care of it tonight. Thanks. Just be sure to use the other bathroom until we can fix this one.


And so ended the adventures of Flushie: The Toilet Mouse.

Captain Linger

I'm so disappointed in myself. I've become so lazy. I'm usually very on top of things, on the ball, and all that. But no, since last fall, I've let everything just go. My room has layers of stuff unsorted, I haven't reconciled my bank statement in months, I have unopened music/DVD club letters, etc.

And I have a speeding ticket that has to be paid in two days.

My grades have also suffered. I realized tonight that I have exactly two (2) weeks of classes, then exams!

Exams are here. Geez.

I have a C-average or below in all of my classes. The next two weeks will decide if I graduate or not. I have one week to write a research paper, do a documentary, and still find time for work.

Ahh yes, work.

The thing I would rather be doing now. Living in Bruce, working at the TV Station, and any and all free time spent still working, but on movies or videos. You know, one of those things where someone puts all their passion into something, meanwhile neglecting school work and bodily care/grooming.

But see, that's not happening either. I still find time to work, and it IS hard to balance school and work, but I'm just tired of it all. I want to go to bed for the summer.

I'm sorry. I'm just really sad that I don't have my stuff together. I'm sad that I've given up on classes, and may have wasted 1.500$ this semester and will need to retake my hours.

Pubily Woobilies

The Discovery Channel is great b/c you can look at naked people.

I'm watching "Walking with Cavemen" right now, and there are a bunch of totally naked cavemen just walking around hunting.

Even though I don't think it's totally accurate b/c clothing probably existed in some form, it's still neat to see naked people on TV.

Oh, I need Tivo so I can rewind.

I Think The Town Of Crabbeville In The Autumn Would Be Magnificent

It's Crabbetown.

Action!

I was really excited about "VanHelsing".....until I realized Hugh Jackman was in it.

I mean don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Hugh Jackman. (Even though I DID see "Kate & Leopold") It's just that I have no desire to see him in a role like that. He couldn't have been any better as Wolverine, but you can only play that kind of movie so far.

Oh, still excited about dumpy Dr. Octopus.

Shame Shame Shame

So last night at the table, Andrew brought up the topic of random movie quotes. I'm ashamed that the only thing I could come up with was the "Coconuts" dialogue. I mean I watch movies, I love movies, but apparantly I can't quote them really well. I guess I was wanting to be too accurate. I could probably describe scenes better. No wait, then I would have to be watching them at the time to point out ones I like.

Sigh, I'm sorry.

Oh well, I'll leave you with MY greatest song lyrics:

You can tell the world you never was my girl,
you can burn my clothes up when I am gone.
You can tell your friends just what a fool I've been,
and laugh and joke about me on the phone

You can tell my arms to Go back into the farm!
You can tell my feet to hit the floor.
You can tell my lips to tell my fingertips,
they won't be reaching out for you no more.

But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
I just don't think he'll understand.
But if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
he might blow up and kill this man.

Hoooooooo

You can tell your Ma, I moved to Arkansas,
you can tell your dog to bite my leg.
Or tell your brother Cliff, whose fist can tell my lips,
he never really liked me anyway.

Or tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please,
myself already knows I'm not O.K.
Or you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind,
it might be walkin' out on me one day.

But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
I just don't think he'll understand.
But if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
he might blow up and kill this man.

HoooooooouuOOOOOOOOO!

So I Already Knew They Were Gonna Destroy The Ring, But I Had No Idea Whether Or Not They Would Kill Bill

To laugh or not to laugh (at the movies, I mean).

Fart jokes: laugh.

Being caught naked....anywhere: laugh.

Bad guy says a crappy zingy one-liner that you could have predicted: Don't laugh.

Poop jokes: giggle.

Eddie Murphy poop jokes: Sit silently.

"Bohner" actually pronounced "Boner": Oh you can fall out at that one.

Dwarfs: only cute.

Running across town with a harmonium: Laugh, then wipe eyes.

"I don't know, faggit": Only b/c it's true.

Coconuts: AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Airplane: laugh.

Airplane 2: only if you are desparate.

Friday afternoon in the hood: oh please, find a real plot.

Steve Martin + 12 kids + bonnie hunt: Take away the kids, replace Bonnie Hunt with Bernadette Peters, make him think "Someone hates these cans!"

A dog eating a squeak toy AND a diamond: oh man, the brits can do it.

Jack Black: More like Jack Suck.

Will Ferrell: Craig the Cheerleader only works on the small screen.

Your favorite Jewish Leader/Messiah On the cross: ONLY if someone's looking on the Bright Side of life.

Oh, only a small sample. I was afraid if I drew too much from popular 'funny' movies, I would offend a few people. But Hollywood formulas are up for debate if you want.

EUREKA!

Go to www.extrememusic.com, click "enter", when you see the little floating icons, click the martini glass (5th one over). At the top of the list is the bar "XEL001 Singin' Easy" Click on this...3rd track down: SCOOBIDOO LOVE!!!

Oh, still waiting for my email so I can get a username and password....

Titanic Turd

I don't know if anyone else remembers this, but the summer before the awesome hit movie Titanic came out, CBS tried their hand at telling the story of the ill-fated ocean liner. Most likely, this was a jump to cash in on the predicted success of the James Cameron film. Also, luck was on their side b/c the Actual Titanic movie ran far behind schedule (thus increasing curiosity about the film).

Well, SCREW YOU CBS AND THANKS FOR THIS CRAPPY VERSION. Again, I'm sure few of you have seen it, and should be glad.

It did have an all star cast: Peter Gallagher (Mr. Big Bushy Eyebrows), George C. Scott (Patton & the Grandpa from Angus), Marilu Henner (from Taxi), Tim Curry (Home Alone 2:Lost In New York) and—get ready for this—Catherine Zeta Jones (quick, get out of there!).

But the movie was of course 4-hour melodrama of the worst kind. Poopy dialogue, even poopier scenes, and so forth. Even when it came out I knew it was bad....and I was still in high school. Well today I'm watching it on the channel where it belongs: Lifetime. Yes, it's THAT bad. It make the DiCaprio/Winslet LoveCheese Affair feel like the Bundys. (I don't know—I mean that the CBS is sooo megacheesy the Jack and Rose scenes feel like one of those spousal abuse films.)

Oh, to quote a stupid bumper sticker: "The Boat Sank, Get Over It!"

APOLOGY #24

I'm sorry about that last "Oh" section. It was only a bit of fun. No harm intended.

White Kids And Dance Moves...

The band BUSH is still great. I don't even know if they are still around, but their stuff was so good when it came out. They were defiant of the whole music culture at the time.

"Why?" do you ask? This is why:

Their music is impossible to MOSH to! They have that ballsy "in-your-face, you 'dancing'-angry-white-kid" attitude. White kids can't dance to the slow, then fast, then slow again, then heavy, then that little interlude with just Gavin and barely played muted yet clumsy chords then quick swell and then 20 seconds of feedback. You just can't dance around like a dummy to stuff like that. The great part—that's how every song by them goes. Yet it's still good.

Oh, you may want to look behind you right about...................................................................NOW!

You Know What? You Got Stupid Hair!

How did this show The Apprenctice get so popular? How is it still on the air?

I'm watching it right now and it is the most boring thing I've ever seen. Granted, it's only down to like 1 or 2 guys and I never saw the first episodes, but still, this is crap. I'm sure the whole business person thing appeals to a small percentage of America. Almost everyone here is middle class.

Okay, maybe I'm just mad that it's rare for a good show to be on the air—at least for a long period of time. And yes, I apologize but I realize now that 18 episodes of Freaks and Geeks is not enough. At least one more season and it would have reached it's pinnacle.....but then when John Daley hit puberty the show would probably jump the shark.

Oh, Pepto Bismol goes on the inside....Caladryl goes on the outside.

It's Never Been A Total Liquid Before

Got Issues?

So being the studious student that I am, I went to Starkville tonight to get started reading for my term paper. First, I wasn't aware that the library wouldn't open until 6pm, so getting there at 4 I had to wait around 2 hours. I got a bit of reading done at the union. The noisy union. The I went to the library at 6. I fell asleep about 7......woke up at 8. Ate at 8.30. Went back to the library so a secluded corner downstairs to try to read for another hour before concluding that my classmate would not be editing at McComas and would not need me there. Walking among the cubicles I passed by a discarded and yet unreshelved book about scriptwriting and took it as a sign. I picked it up and found a seat......I forgot about my own reading for the next hour. I didn't even read the whole book.....I mostly just skimmed over it.

So once again I accomplished nothing. However, I did get inspired to soon attempt a script. Or at least a good treatment.

Which leads me to this...

I know I'm a total lame-o loser but am I just a prude or something or just a guy who hates crappy movies that aren't really about anything? I'm watching a movie called 40 Days and 40 Nights starring heartthrob Josh Hartnett. Who the heck gave the greenlight for this movie? How does a movie like this get made? It's just a shameless movie about sex-driven 20-somethings. I guess I have too many issues with this movie b/c from the time I started typing I can't remember any of my complaints. It's just a crappy movie. No sex for 40 days? Oooh.....I'm impressed. Try 22 fucking years.

(Oh, I'm sorry, I mean friggin.)

It's Fairly Funny......Mildly Funny......Eh, It's Not Really Funny At All

So what hath the technology gods wraught upon us?

Teenagers use the internet to steal music......guys use it to look at naked people.......and PARENTS USE IT TO SEND CRAPPY FORWARDS TO EACH OTHER.

Didn't the old people get the memo? THAT CRAP IS NOT FUNNY!

Kids today understand that forwards are lame and may contain viruses. Two teens DO NOT send each other "10 reasons why you may be from the south" and laugh.

Tonight my dad made me look at "Cajun version of the 10 Commandments." I just said I didn't get it and my mom tried to explain that cajuns talked like that. It was so lame, and I was trying to protest my not getting it.

Screw you Bill Gates........thanks for letting the old people be embarassments.

Well George and Elaine officially suck now. Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss are the ones responsible for there NOT being a Seinfeld DVD. They want a cut of the profits, and refuse to do commentary or extras until that kind of a deal is made. You see, if they are going to put out a Seinfeld DVD they can't just make it bare-bones. DVDs are all about extras too. So poo on them.

Oh, Finish Your Homework!

Question:

How do you make the trailer for your movie make your movie look incredibly gay?

YOU PUT FRIGGIN TV'S RUBEN STUDDARD OF AMERICAN IDOL FAME IN YOUR TRAILER!

Ok, so we all know the first Scooby Doo movie was bad so how could they attempt a second one? And what's worse than Sugar Ray's cameo in the first one? That fat guy in the second one.

He's dancing with Scooby. It just looks so retarded.

It's a shame that that's all the work Linda Cardellini of Freaks and Geeks fame can find these days.

RUN LINDSEY, RUN!

Oh, it's just SOOOO gay!

Awww, Now I Don't Know Math

I know this is going to sound a bit 'out there,' but I believe I have 18 Coca-Colas that are extra fizzy.

My dad bought three 5-liter six-packs of Coke from some boy scouts (funny that he would be cool with an organization that's openly discriminatorily against fags—or in his view Monty Python) and they are extremely volitile. I can pour just a bit into a cup and the fizz will triple the amount in the cup.

Maybe I don't drink enough Coke, but this seems rather high and a bit much. And what's weirder, is that they are in six .5-liter bottles.

There be strange things afoot.

Oh, I hate getting picked last.

Rumspringa, Anyone?

Ok so get this........the Amish have a custom known as "rumspringa" (or 'running around') which is a period beginning at the age of 16 in which Amish teenagers are let go to take part in everything the world of the english has to offer.

This includes drinking, smoking, sex, and driving.

B/c the Amish don't believe in baptism at birth, the youth are allowed to go free of the church, then at whenever period of the rumspringa they feel like they are ready to be baptized and join the church, they are allowed back into the Amish life.

Pretty wild huh?

If interested, watch the documentary "Devil's Playground" for Amish girls gone wild.

And if you thought drunk southern people were not cool, wait till you see strung out Amish teenage boys.

It's defintely worth a watch.

Oh, speeding tickets suck.

UPDATE:

The reason it was addressed to Steven Criss S Criss was b/c years ago, when I signed up for a D-D-DVD account I misread the form and Put Steven Criss as my first name and Criss as my last one.

Oops.

Holy Friggin Crap, Batman!

Wow......a whole week earlier than expected!

I openeded the mailbox today and there was a thick white box addressed to Steven Criss S Criss. I was expecting somthing via UPS but it wasn't scheduled until Wednesday. I couldn't imagine what it could be so I went back inside and opended the box: It's was Freaks & Geeks!! I had gotten an email saying it was shipped, but wasn't expected until early next week! Let's hear it for the USPS! (I had FREE shipping, too!—from Deep Discount DVD)

So as I pulled it out, something fell out;

It was a DVD insert. At first glance I thought "Oh, this was a pre-order, and the first batch made, so they must've forgotten to include the DVD insert. But then I looked closer.......it's been autographed!

Now, skeptical at first of course, but I spent several minutes holding it up to the light trying to compare Sharpie to glossy finish. I came to the conclusion that it's authentic. The signatures inlude Paul Feig & Judd Apatow—series producers and creator, as well as Linda Cardellini and John Daley—better known as Linsday and Sam Weir! How cool is that?

I know I know, those signatures are worth nothing in value......but I mean, come on.......how awesome is that extra bonus?

Now I'm just mad that I'm behind on school work so I can't watch it immediately.

Oh, anyone willing to prove the autographs are not authentic can come over and watch the show with me.

I'm A Pisces

Though I am still bored by Green Acres, I believe it is a 1960s sitcom that was way ahead of it's time. Sometimes it's writing was brilliant–the way Lisa couldn't understand American phrases and Oliver never ate her hotcakes–but more so is the fact of using things like on-screen graphics and text humorously. i.e. after the opening theme, when it would display titles such as 'Written By:' or 'Directed By:' it would incorporate them into the show, sometimes even interfereing with the characthers. Another example is the use of subtitles, in English and Hungarian (?—wherever Lisa is from) for comedic effect. This show just used all of these things brilliantly, unlike anything else I've ever seen from a sitcom from the era.

However, it's hard to make it through an episode just b/c I don't like the show.

Oh, Freaks & Geeks DVD has been shipped!

Tonight On "Old Lady Gets Killed"

Wow, like mother like son, huh? Last night (friday) I went to be about 9:30. p.m. that is. I didn't have anything really pressing, I was tired from Thursday, and I knew that I had to read and study all day Saturday so I had better just go ahead and get the day over with. B/c neither my dad nor my brother were home, my mom went to bed around 8:30. Hmm oh well. Maybe I should eat more energy food. No no, I'll start working out. Yeah. Anyone else wanna be my workout buddy?

Oh and while watching "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders," I was surprised that Servo only had 1 LOTR comment. At the end, when an old guy told Merlin he knew where the toy monkey was, in the next shot Merlin was already gone, Servo says "Ride Shadowfax!" Surprisingly, that was it. I mean come one, Jack Frost had tons of Tom Bombadill jokes alone.


Kudos, props, or whatever it is your MTV Real World tells you to say when respecting people, to Andrew. He had to sit through hell, and didn't complain. To me, anyway.

He did make me buy him cigarettes. Darnit.

Oh well.

Nothing else going on, just feeling guilty. Much like 99% of my day.

Oh, and for $1 million........I would.