Hardest Things In Life (No Pun Intended, Dude)

Sigh...

One of the hardest things about life is the constant fear/feeling that someone is always laughing at you behind your back. As long as I can remember, I've always done stuff that—though honest mistakes—have been laughed at. Friends, family, peers, everyone. It just makes it feel like things aren't even worth trying. Any time I attempt something, it seems funny to someone. Not funny in a good way, either. Like "he is such a loser."

See, the worst part of it is that I think and wonder if there is stuff out there that I don't know. What I mean is that—this is the worst part—this is a small town. People know what your friggin business is even before you do. People are just so darn nosy and can't friggin keep to themselves. I know people talk about things, and I've heard rumours and people talk about other people...about stuff that I'm sure that first party doesn't know about, or know that other people know about it. It's just the fact that people can't do anything better than talk about other people.

I mean, it could possibly be just paranoid stuff, but anything affects me. This is true even now, even if I'm at one end of the library and I hear laughter at the other end. It just so happens that at that time I'm making adjustments or doing something, and it feels like it's directed at me.

Even this past Saturday night, some of my family was at my house eating dinner. I of course didn't feel comfortable joining them and was in my room working on my paper. At one point I heard my name and a comment about something I had done (it was regarding pruning bushes in the front lawn) then a quiet whispering, then laughter. Just made me feel stupid. And this is not the first occasion this has happened.

I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but still there is an extent that I'm willing to accept criticism from anyone else—without me present, that is. (if you do it to my face I can at least attempt to justify/defend myself) (also, if I do something you don't like, if you don't tell me I won't know...duh...so no need to laugh about it with other people without consulting me first.)

And stuff like this has happened for years. High school was the worst. It's actually kind of painful to talk about some of it, but it was the same almost every day.

Unfortunately I am lacking in common sense and can't do much. Actually, not much. Actually, nothing at all. Realize of course this is NOT self pity. It's just the truth. When was the last time you saw me do....something?

I guess I'm just angry at all the jocks and 'cool' people.

So maybe I am a geek. (well I guess around here the 'geeks' are considered the 'freaks,' and the 'freaks' are just .........normal [drugs, sex-having, tribal tattoos].)

Is it too much to ask for people around here to actually have a sense of humor, or at least a sense that everyone is different and should be entitled to do things in their own way? Just b/c I do/say something a little differently doesn't mean I deserved to be laughed at.


Oh, the new Harvey Birdman season is great, but they shortened the theme song.