George Lucas Can Kiss My Black Ass....

Jar Jar Binks

Only 1 Black guy (Lando Rules)

Episodes 4 & 5....incestuous vibes are rampant.

Digital Jabba the Hut

Digital EVERYTHING in Episode 2

Darth Maul had ONE fight scene

I Hate Spam Emails....

jeopardy bacterium arrogant diluent demitting consanguineous fruitful have beam crisp malay lightweight telecommunicate agatha wisenheimer bellmen whup fpc manageable bristle midas schmidt kern shelby chairlady anglophobia teakwood paramus archival govern piezoelectric faculty crusade angles benign hubby baroness extracurricular

distribution bent compliment dynamo sourberry knowhow stinky spacecraft spiderwort accost aquarium clank gedanken derate digit complacent frigidaire coalesce pensive townhouse knot vote aleph stamina eligible newcastle brussels egregious nice shedir sst huffman riboflavin aperture pipe vet erode alliance arousal architectonic bayda coke anita antithetic cesium abet gatekeep broken accreditation lope houdaille tragicomic alvin expressive impost cathedra raucous pressure anode intend stammer ambush asparagus consensus askew classificatory innocuous gemstone abound whir dissociable your downpour chomp wise emphasis caracas blake check somatic measle addle sniffly sadie botch alterate argive dicta yawn bisexual cobble umbra legatee bausch hem evelyn whatsoever aircraft definitive bedpost scriven anywhere basin clean antique competitive smoky misshapen explicate ivanhoe l'oeil super had edwardian bottleneck contradictory fireside shitepoke bedim fenugreek grape bronzy grosvenor ancestry song venous tungstate cassiopeia cautionary pragmatic butchery stun bessemer dud virgin basemen bauer jesse rotogravure bing bypath contravene haydn radiometer asynchrony emil kathleen individualism

Questions You Don't Really Ask #42

How does Edward Scissorhands pee?

Google Search

Before I changed the top of my blog page to a banner pic, if you did a Google search for 'nurd,' my blog would be the first topic.

Pretty neat, huh?

I'm not changing though.

Being Totally Pissy And Gay...

Ok so this post does stem from months of bottled up 'getting pissiedness' about meaningless nurdy stuff (when matt talks about stuff i don't care about and then i get mad when he doesn't know what i'm talking about)....but it's still timely.

What is the deal with the need to talk?

The other night I was accosted (look it up, jerkface) by my 'worried' dad who couldn't understand that at the end of the day (or any time i'm at home for that matter), I just don't want to talk.

I have absolutely nothing meaningful to add to any conversation, so why bother?

I can't form complete thoughts and think of good vocabulary to use for rare sentences, so why bother?

If i'm just listening to interesting people talk, there's no way that I can match their stories in brilliance or quality or humor, so why bother?

"And then after she killed my dog, my mom kicked me out of the house."
"Ha ha, yeah....I have a mom."

...Maybe i picked the wrong profession (communication major).

So, (as television tells us to the contrary) I (supposedly unlike any average dude) have no problem cuddling on the couch and watching tv.......as long as you SHUT THE HELL UP and maybe laugh every once in a while to prove you aren't bored.

So just leave me to my MST3K fan page, where I'm about to order every episode ever made and will subsequently never see a vagina in my life.

Nurd Movie Review — "DodgeBall"

For everyone who's not strong enough to play football and those that aren't tall enough to play basketball, there's still one more sport where they can get the crap beat out of them: Dodgeball! Yes, the game in which the strong gang up against the weak and pelt them with rubber balls....in the balls.

Tonight's movie review is the Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller face-off movie "DodgeBall," a documentary exploring the real lives of those that have perfect bodies and those that, well, don't.

Vince Vaughn, who is really only truly funny when he's the only funny person in the movie, has to pay back a few debts within 30 days, but he runs a failing gym for pirates and dorks. Ben Stiller and his wife Me'Shell live across the street and want to make sure that they are more successful than average guy Vince. So armed with a few television commercials they wage an all-out war.

This movie has some great cameos and a superb cast. Everyone was top-notch in their roles. It is nice to see when mindless comedy is pulled off well, though I wanted to leave the theatre right after the previews. "Dude, Where's My Car, Too?" is gonna suck.

After many dogeball battles with with the insane and bizzare (the best being the ever-manly Bernice) the Vinces and the Bens faceoff in their ball-busting match of hilarity. Will Vince Vaughn prevail? Will Patches O'Hoolihan come in time to rescue them? Who knows...I kind of missed the last part b/c I was on the floor.

MOVIE RATINGS:
Predictability: 1/10 (I never saw Bernice coming)
Movie Star Cameos: A+
Pee before or After: BEFORE! You don't want to miss the end credits. (My milkshake brings all the boys in the yard....)
Full Price or Matinee: Full Price

Odd Update....

Okay so now after a few words between me and my dad, my mom has come home. She missed the whole episode, but did actually see the very beginning of Zoolander before she left to go to my grandma's.

What's odd is she helps defend my case b/c she actually saw the beginning and (gasp) followed the plot. Boy, she sure helped make my dad look like an ass! Wow, first time she's helped in a long time. (But hey, she did buy me a candle when she went to biloxi this week....that's cool. It's a little bowl with seashells. Anyway....)

So she has helped out.

But see, like any normal person, if she didn't like Zoolander, she would have either cut the tv off or at least laugh about how dumb the movie is and we should watch Home and Garden channel. Unlike my dad who instantly snaps (literally within minutes of turning on the tv) and calls people fags.

MOTHER FUCKING UPDATE

from the living room:

"Turn that shit off, I'm about tired of it."

"Why?"

"It's dumb."

"That's the point." ......changes to CNN where they are showing that guy who was beheaded today....."Fine I'll watch the news where people are getting killed for no reason."

"Well that's what's wrong with the world today, watching that mess."

"Sigh..." .......now pissed off, changes to C-SPAN, doesn't want to see George Bush, promptly changes to C-SPAN 2 where Candian leaders are having a debate.........still pissed and typing by blog.

MOTHER FUCKER

4 Billion Years Of Evolution....

and THIS is what we get:

I thought that maybe, just maybe i could watch Zoolander in peace on TBS. However, my dad felt like watching TV too.

Sigh.....you know where I'm going with this, don't you?

"I think you could find something better to watch. It's just a bunch of faggots."



..........


I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING. THOSE WERE HIS FUCKING WORDS. HAPPENED A FEW MINUTES AGO SO I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.


Maybe he's the faggot.

god i hate this place sometimes.

Why I'm Moving To The City....

My dad just killed a snake tonight. It was dark out. It was in a place we frequent beside our house.

(shudders violently)

Not The American Version, Either....

As I'm sitting here (literally) laughing out loud at Mr. Bean, I can't help but wish.....I WANT A MINI!

Not the Amercian version, either, though I would definitely take one if I could buy it.

You know what is odd? Any time you are on a website in which you have to fill out a form for what coundtry you are in, they actaully list them all alphabetically. That means that the United States is right there near the bottom.

It just strikes me as odd that we would let the world get away with that. We should go first. After all....Mr. Bean even uses an AMERICAN Express card!

That Bitch Is C-razy!

Psycho Hose Beast........

First of all, all joking aside I really don't like calling women bitches.

HOWEVER

I taped the Houston board meeting tonight, and there is AN INSANE BITCH that threatened me and the TV station.

She's been there before, threatening to sue us if we put her on tv (which makes us put her on tv even harder...yes, we zoom the hell in!). But she's crazy, and doesn't understand that this is a PUBLIC meeting and that if she frigging addresses the board, she doesn't have the right to NOT be seen.

So before the meeting when I walked in, she remarked about 'that camera being here again.' Ann did the last meeting, and I had only heard about this woman but tonight got to see and hear her for myself. I walked past and she kept going on and on about how this is NOT a public meeting and I and NOT to get her on camera 'getting mad.' So the only thing you can do is just keep setting up and not say a word. But, umm i kind of laughed at her. Well of course later she addressed the board and I couldn't do anything BUT get her on camera. She was talking about some bullcrap.

After the board meeting was over, I packed up and was walking outside, and I heard the remark 'and he got it all on camera.' Well naturally I just looked down and kept walking. She then had the balls to say 'i should break that camera of yours.' I just looked at her for a second, then went to my car. Friggin pissed me off. But now it's one of these moments where I am so tempted to just whip out my camera and put it in her face. Just so she'll hit it. Then I'll kick the shit out of her. Stupid bitch.

And who says working at a community tv station is boring?

Doh! They Did It Again!

So apparently there's a Joe Schmo Show 2.....

How can they get away with it again?

I never watched the first one, anyway.

Am I Spindly? Am I Stork-like? —Aimee Mann

So can someone explain to me the purpose of the "'concert' encore"?

It's really lame b/c the band will play a long song, say 'thank you!', then walk off stage. Now the audience is forced to clap for up to 1.5 minutes while the room is still dark and you can clearly see the roadies tuning guitars. Then you are supposed to be 'surprised' and happy when the band comes back out and plays 5 more songs that they could have just played in the first place.

Aimee Mann is too good for all that laser light show crap. She was at her best with the white light on her, and maybe the red light on the band. That's more her style. She's so not suited for the crappy rock star thing. There should have been smoke and sounds of bottles.

Her legs were amazing.....and on rare occasion when she turned around i couldn't help but stare at her bottom. Dammit, turn on the lights! Just leave them alone!

Beck Bristow's Journal

If anyone happened to be on Laurel Canyon Drive at or around 2:45 AM last night, and has information about the accident, please e-mail me. More specifically, I need info about:

1. What exactly happened.
2. If other vehicle(s) were involved.
3. If the police showed up.
4. If anyone (i.e., the police) saw me running away with my shirt pulled up into a sort of turban to hide my face.
5. If the woman who was in my car was okay or whatever.

This Week's Swag:

1. The Silmarillion (i love you Andrew)

2. The Lays of Beleriand (again, I love you Andrew.....I still don't know what it is, but it does tell the story of Luthien and Beren. [the elf and mortal lovers...that paralled Aragorn and Arwen])

3. Gunshy CD.

4. David Cross CD....and he's right.....it's not funny.

5. Modest Mouse CD

6. Aimee Mann tickets for Monday

7. Tiny Chewy Sweetarts

8. A clean car

SuperFantabulous Movie Review — "Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban"

So tonight's movie is the 3rd (and presumably final) installment in the lovely Harry Potter series.

This movie is different from the other two b/c all of the actors are well into the throes of puberty, and have sprouted breasts and chest hair. Also, whenever they get mad and yell, it's that skweaky teenage voice that makes it sound goofy.

In the opening scene, we are treated to a shot of now super hunky Harry Potter alone...in his bedroom....at night....under the covers.....playing with his wand. When his uncle opens the door, Harry lays back down to pretend he was asleep. Already I'm reminisicing my summer nights from the time I was in high school.

So Harry has been a naughty boy and using magic away from Hogwarts. He's also a pretty snappy dresser, too. Well we again take the journey to Hogwarts school and meet our favorite characters. Now, I haven't read--nor intend to read--the books, but I think it's sad that Hogwarts has to find a NEW 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' teacher EVERY YEAR! The first movie, the teacher had a face in the back of his head, the second movie's teacher went insane, and well, it's not looking good for this movie. I'm just curious how many new teachers the books have to offer.

Harry and Ron and the almost of-age Hermoine listen to rap music and search for the escaped prisoner of Uzbekistan all while desparately trying to bathe Hagrid. Harry learns some valuable lessons about life and his parents. He is becoming quite the master of magic and wizardry (with a little help from his friends) and yet Ron still hasn't learned that he has testicles.

After watching the movie.....then traveling back in time to watch the last 30 minutes again, I remained impressed. It's lame kiddie humor, and it got boring halfway through, but still fun. I'm just waiting for the new Robert Zemeckis/Tom Hanks animated fantastical film "Polar Express." That looks like some fun times. (Oh, wouldn't it be cheaper to actually FILM a movie instead of computer animating them to look AS REAL AS POSSIBLE?)

MOVIE STATS:
Predictability: 2/10 --I saw the fat lady singing joke a mile away, but it was done well.
Borability: Only for a bit.
Have I seen it before?: Most definitely not. Well, again, the last 30 minutes I saw 10 minutes ago. Darn that Hermoine and her time-traveling watch!
Matinee or Full Price: Full Price

MTVWho?

This is totally useless first of all b/c i don't watch MTV anymore anyway (only 'cool' people watch MTV) and secondly b/c it's totally pointless, but...

Has anyone noticed that now MTV2 has finally forgotten it's original purpose? "Where the musics's at"

In the late 1990s, MTV decided that it should no longer play any type of actual 'music videos' but instead have lame programming. Well later they started MTV2 to play just videos. However......the darkness has creeped in and they have moved to shows as well.

Hmmm well I guess when it comes down to it I really don't care.

I'm sorry for making you care as well.

Ready Everyone, And.....Breathe......Ahhhhhhh

Wow! what a relief and breath of fresh air!

The Brand New series of Coupling aired tonight. Series 4, thank you very much!

It's true, there is no Jeff, but I believe Oliver will do. He does say "shit" and "christ" alot....so he's not quite as lovable as Jeff (who would say "Gusset" or "Thighs")

Although, I must say that when Susan and Jane made out violently, my jaw dropped, and of course, Steve was on the phone, and just said "Oh Jeffery, you picked the WORST time to leave!"

Brak Presents "The Brak Show," Starring Brak

So it's always fun to run into someone you graduated high school with four years ago and ask what they've been up to, and their response is "getting high and shit. I've been drunk for the last four or five days."

It's always super cool, but depressing b/c you wonder why you can't be doing that yourself.

So my grandfather got a new puppy not long ago, but never got it's shots. This weekend the puppy got parvo, and is really sick. The problem is that my grandfather is in France right now for the D-Day thing. So the puppy has been down at my dad's filthy hunting dog pen, but is now at our house b/c we have to take care of it to see if it will live. We made an emergency trip to the vet on Saturday and got it some shots and stuff, and now we have to squirt some type of formula down it's throat b/c it won't drink or eat anything. Poor thing.

So can anyone draw really well? I need someone to draw the front cover for "Fantastic Powers Issue #1" I could also use someone to pose for "Fitness & Dicks." Requirments: must be fit.

UPDATE

Screw it, Andrew.....I'll just buy it.


.....and there...done.