Not Really A Review...

*Disclaimer: In Episode 2.6 of 'Spaced,' Tim yells at a little kid for trying to buy a JarJar Binks keychain, and bases his entire argument around the fact that the kid "wasn't there 'back then,' back when it was special, when it meant something." He claims that now Star Wars is just a puffed up 2-hour toy advertisement.
I will first admit that I WAS NOT there 'back then' in 1977, nor was I young enough to buy a JarJar keychain a few years ago. (I did buy a Darth Maul T-Shirt....but that's different.) I WILL, however, admit that when I saw the Original Original Trilogy in '96, I 'Got It.' I was in the middle.....too young to have seen the Original on screen, and in my latter teens when I saw the first Episode. I understand the beauty of the Original Trilogy, and mourn for what the prequels tried—yet failed—to do. This is how I feel. Please just bear with me......if you want to skip to the end, I will say that "I liked it, and I will see it again and buy the DVD." I will also end with a sentence fragment, and throw in one obscenity.
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So......this is it. The end of the line. There will be TV shows and cartoons.....but there will NEVER be another Star Wars Movie ever again. So what can I say that hasn't been said already? Well:

George Lucas can't really handle Star Wars.

By going back and completing his story started in 1977 and making it come full circle (we now understand why the film is called "Return of the Jedi"), he has negated and—dare I say—ruined the magic and wonder of the original films. Something just isn't right. George Lucas doesn't get his own movies. Well, George Lucas doesn't know how to make his own movies.

Let me put it another way: "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return Of The Jedi" are considered to be the best of the films....and "Empire" is even considered by many to be one of the greatest motion pictures, period. Here's where the difference is: George Lucas didn't direct these two films. Yes, that's correct. Because he was too busy overseeing development of new technology to make the movies, he hired Lawrence Kasdan to write the screenplay and Irvin Kershner to direct 'Empire' and Richard Marquand to direct 'Return.'

Lucas didn't direct the best 2 films of the series. What does this tell you?

The Original Trilogy had the absolute best and perfect casting....the chemistry was amazing and no one else could have played the main characters. But.....as the series progressed the story became more character driven, and it was brought down to the level of the importance of the story. That Luke convince his father to turn good again, and that Han and Leia should do the nasty. You see, the importance of being a director is that you take your actors, and show them how the story progresses and how they should relate to other characters as well as themselves.

George Lucas completely botched his prequels due to the fact that he got everything wrong when dealing with (what is the MOST important part of Star Wars) the characters. In Phantom Menace, he went for the cutesy kids film with all kinds of little one-liners (that aren't funny) and little robots farting on each other (that aren't funny). The most important part of the story—the boy who would grow up to be Darth Vader.......was a little dumbass kid. Of the millions of little kid actors that could have done it correctly, Lucas hand-picked this little turd to ruin his first Star Wars film in 15 years. Dakota Fanning would have made a better Anakin. Granted, Qui-Gon was decent and Ewan McGregor was admirable as a still-young yet strong Obi-Wan........performances were wooden when they weren't incredibly goofy.

Now that for the second film Anakin must be a teenager, Lucas had to pick the most untalented teenager to play the Future Most Feared Being In The Galaxy. Hayden Christenson claims that Lucas only used the 'whiny' takes...but I think it's just that he really can't act. Also, you can't just have a wooden Samuel L. Jackson show up, claim 'This Party's Over' and NOT say '.....Bitches.'

It's almost as if every character in the prequels acts independently of each other. What I bet happened is that each actor was filmed against a blue screen and digitally inserted into the scene......no two actors were on set that day together. That's my problem.....sure the dialogue is crappy...but when you have crappy actors doing the crappy dialogue it just doesn't work.

So the promise of "Revenge Of The Sith" was that it was going to be dark—it was. It was going to be about the characters—it was. Most importantly it was going to be all about Anakin's turn to the dark side—and yes, it was. But all of it was too little too late. We were supposed to care deeply about these people (we knew the outcome 30 years down the line) but due to the fact that they had no relationship in Episodes 1 and 2 it all felt shallow. It's like one of those bad romantic comedies where the only thing the couples share is that one of their kids flushes a kitten down the toilet and then they meet over coffee. At the end they kiss and go out........but you're not sure what the hell that was all about.

Episode 2 had it's love story.....but it just felt like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek with them rolling in the fields of Naboo. I mean, all this love story just b/c little boy Anakin thought Padme was 'an angel.' Well........okay.......I don't know how to write a love story or the best way for 2 people to fall in love, but I will say that it was too forced and we were just supposed to believe they were in love. (On a side note......Han & Leia worked b/c he was the 'outlaw' and she was the 'princess' and it was sexy.)

==I would like to add at this point that the best theatrical experience ever is that 3 second silence between "Long Ago In A Galaxy Far Far Away" and "STAR WARS."==

So yes....."Revenge Of The Sith" was a Star Wars film.....but it wasn't a Star Wars Film. It's just that those movies belong in the time they came from......that spirit can't be recaptured. Bravo to George Lucas for wanting to finish telling his story and all that....but after it's all been said and done, I really don't know if it's been worth it. It's kind of like Star Wars has been ruined. That wonderful magic has been tainted. Amidst the JarJars and the robot army troops saying "Roger, Roger" and the unexplainable reason why 25 years prior to the Original Trilogy the technology looks as if it was developed 30 years later, it just doesn't fit.

I promise I'm not trying to be a fanboy. I will admit that I didn't make any promises before seeing the movie. I didn't want to overlook the lameness to laugh at what were supposed to be jokes. Yet......I didn't want to sit there with my arms crossed wanting to nitpick things, I promise.

I wanted to see it to see it.

I liked it, and I will see it again and buy the DVD. I will continue to watch Star Wars for many years to come (albeit it could be from my Original Original Trilogy VHS tapes.......taint-free), and if I have kids they will be like young Jedi, learning the ways of the force and collecting merchandise.

But I just didn't feel it. It didn't feel special.

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............More of an essay. Shit.