What They DON'T Want You To Know....

So now I'm watching an adobrable ad for Charmin toilet paper in which those lovable animated bears are so happily enjoying life and...ummm.....doing something behind a tree.

You've all seen these ads, and many other cutesy ads for toilet paper in which a baby is tiptoeing across a 1 ply sheet of wet toilet paper, just to prove that theirs is strongest. There's always the ad where someone plans for a bumpy road trip by packing lots of toilet paper in their shorts to pad them. And of course, there's always the ads that claim their toilet paper is sooo soft you just want to squeeze and squeeze all night.

BUT.......even with all the clever, and not to mention cute, marketing of the best, strongest, and softest toilet papers, there is one teeny tiny little thing they forget to mention: what toilet paper is really used for.

Yeah, you see it's all a big government conspiracy. It all died with Kennedy, and we cannot trust the government now b/c of it.

Well, after years of research at my own personal expense, I now have the truth.

Pull your chair closer, b/c this is a secret:

Toilet paper....is used.....TO WIPE YOUR ASS!



Yeah, you see, no matter how much money is spent on clever ways to sell the Charmin, nothing can hide (yet they can't say it exactly) the fact that you are NOT going to use it to pad yourself for a bumpy ride. Nor will you use it so your infant child can tiptoe across to the kitchen sink. YOU USE IT TO WIPE YOUR ASS.

Oh yeah, you know that cute bear ad where the cubs are squatting behind a tree?
THEY ARE TAKING A SHIT. IT'S WHAT BEARS DO.

So next time you hear the tinkling music of a squeezably soft ad, think about that tissue.......scraping the poo off of that person's bottom.

There....I said it.....now if the government comes looking for me, I'm as good as dead. But I feel so much better that I've revealed the truth.

So happy wiping, people!



Next weeks topic: Tampons