Super FanTabulous Movie Review - "The Day After Tomorrow"

After the unbelieveable success of my review for "Troy" (meaning that no one read it), I have decided that every time I see a movie in the theatre, I'll put my spin on it and tell you what I walked away with.

First I will apologize for the pain I will cause....please don't stop reading my blog b/c I don't see that many movies. And if they are good, Andrew and I won't make fun of them so it'll be my own musings, not the good jests that Andrew makes.

So tonight's movie is "The Day After Tomorrow," a scathing exposé blaming George W. Bush for killing mother earth. We were warned by Pat Robertson (of the 700 Club on TBN) that this movie was a sensational and untrue political rant against the existence of global warming and republicans who won't stop it. But aren't church and state supposed to be separate? And why are prominent Christians right wing conservatives? It's God's earth, after all. On the other hand, Art Bell and George Noory (of Coast to Coast A.M.) say it's gonna happen within the next 20-50 years.

For a bit of background, this movie is from director Roland Emmerich, who brought us "Independence Day" and "Godzilla," so be prepared for scenes of cities being torn apart by fireballs and lizards, combined with intimate storylines that actually attempt to develop characters more than other sci-fi action movies. However, the dialogue has not been improved since these movies, so we've seen it all before.

Our story begins in the arctic where dudes are drilling and taking core samples of the permanently frozen (or so we think) earth. B/C of the effects of global warming, the ice starts to break up and the frozen grounds cracks and splits We are introduced to our hero Dennis Quaid, who is there drilling the ice with his buddies. After deciding to skedaddle away from the rupturing ice, He's in India at a conference concerning global warming where he gives the Vice President a good slam (ticking off the VP) and meets Bilbo Baggins, a.k.a. reknowned British actor Ian Holm. Well, after some plot and dialogue basics, we meet our other hero, Dennis Quaid's son Jake Gyllenhall, a.k.a. Donnie Darko (or for the less sophisticated movie-goers Bubble Boy) who once again plays a high school kid.

Unbeknownst to everyone in the cast except Bilbo and Dennis (Randy Quaid's only-marginally talented older brother), the melting of the ice has caused a disruption in the earth's ocean currents so Los Angeles and New York are in for a heck of an ordeal. Note to Los Angelesians: If you see a Tornado coming down Sunset Blvd., GET INSIDE TO SHELTER IN THE LOWEST CORNER OF A WINDOWLESS BUILDING!

So Donnie Darko has flown to New York for an academic decathalon and gets trapped there b/c water seems to be rising and culminates with a giant tidal wave that is shown over and over on the previews. He manages to lead everyone to safety in what appears to be New York's ONLY library. Of course the city is totally flooded, and a few ships pass by, stopping to ask for directions.

Now the interesting twist is that as the storm cloud moves, it freezes everything, and at the eye of the storm—which is about to pass over NY—the temperature drops 10 degrees every second. So Dennis and The Fellowship have to travel to rescue Donnie Darko. Meanwhile Donnie Darko's girlfriend is sick, so he must enclose himself in a plastic bubble and save his girl. He and his friends go out into the city that has become frozen tundra in search of medicine. Along the way they have many adventures, including a battle with the wolves of Isengard that have been sent by Saruman while they are atop Carahadras. Luckily, Gandalf uses magic to frigthen the beasts away.

Even after stopping at Wendy's for a snack, Dennis Quaid and his only remaining friend (I'm willing to bet that Hollywood action movies REQUIRE a certain amount of deaths of both minor and major characters per movie....kind of a body count quota. If you are a 'best friend who has worked with the hero for 20 years,' you are screwed. If someone wants to investigate, please do...i'm too lazy.) continue their trek to find his son. After asking directions, they find the library and everyone is happy. Now, the opening credits roll. The next hour and a half of the movie is just plot resolution and details I won't bother with.

MOVIE RATINGS:
Have I seen it before: PRETTY MUCH
Full Price or Matinee: FULL PRICE...ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN WATCH IT WITH BLACK PEOPLE.
Pointless Deaths of Speaking role characters: 1
Acceptable Deaths: MILLIONS
Complaints: I'M SEEING WOLVES AS A PLOT POINT....AM I STILL WATCHING THE SAME DISASTER MOVIE?
Humor: IT'S EASIER TO MAKE YOUR OWN JOKES ON TOP OF THE EXISTING AUDIO TRACK.