Slap-Happy Premiere Movie Superfantabulous Review.....

So I just saw Troy, and it is a decent movie....now, for those who probably will never see it (or think I'm talking about some dude) here's my review and summary.

In this epic history filled movie, Brad Pitt plays Troy Henderson, a happy-go-lucky suburbanite who freelances as a trained assassin. When Legolas the elf steals King Herod's wife and takes her back to the land of milk and honey, the king gets really angry and wants to start a war. So he asks his brother Amagemmon W. Bush what to do. So they decide to build a bunch of boats to make the trailer for the movie look amazing. After lots of fighting, mixed in with occasional breaks (probably for tea and scrumpets) Eric "TV's 'The Hulk'" Bana kills Brad "Troy" Pitt's cousin, thinking it is actually the hunk dating Jennifer Anniston. The two armies then decide to call it a day once again, even though they could just fight into the night and probably win. (Hey, those goofy Greeks, huh?) So then Brad Pitt decides to build a gigantic wooden elk....out of metal....and sneak it into the pleasant little village. Now, if you have actually read a history book, you would know what happens next so I won't explain it. (But Troy DID get to kill Bill) Even in a period piece such as this one, action movies can ALWAYS fit in explosions. I mean, in the age of Troy, fire wasn't even invented yet. So anyway, Boromir (Sean Bean) watches as Brad "Troy" Pitt is shot in the heart and reminisces how his shot-in-the-chest-with-arrows death scene was much better in The Fellowship of the Ring (and I agree--b/c he was protecting hobbits). Then at the end, once everyone has died and no plot has actually been resolved, we are treated to a Josh Groban song during the end credits. We are all happy b/c we have learned the history of Troy And The Argonauts.

Yeah, so even though the movie was filled with Brad's naked bottom, lots of cut and fit-dicked men slashing each other, the movie didn't get gay until the Josh Groban song. Titanic got Celine Dion....Pearl Harbor got Faith Hill.....Lord of the Rings got Annie Lennox.....and Troy got, ummmmmm, Josh Groban.

Riiiiiiiiight.

Yeah, actually once you see one epic war film you've seen them all. Every shot I've seen before in Two Towers, Return of the King, and the Mummy Returns. You know, 'picking up weapons,' 'putting on armour,' 'two giant armies clashing'....that whole bit.


So, go see Troy at your local cineplex and tell 'em I sent ya!